Ovishek sinks into his glass. Can it be called drowning? He can’t differentiate between sinking and drowning at times. Life can be that suffocating.
Ovishek survived a near drowning at his uncles’ village home when he was a child. Playful afternoon began to disappear into the setting sun. The rainwater of Chalan Beel receded a few days earlier. This was a time for the village kids to fish in the muddy water. His cousin Chayan left the field as it was the time for this home tutoring. Ovishek realised that his whole body was covered by mud as he was fishing with the other kids. Fearing the impending scolding from the mother, he thought he would rather take a quick bath in the nearby pond before returning home. He planned to take a bath just at the edge of the pond as he couldn’t swim. Suddenly he slipped on the slippery mud and drifted away. He felt suffocated as he began to drown and couldn’t remember anything more. He found himself at the front yard of the home resting his head on mother’s lap as regained consciousness. He was lucky to be seen by someone who came to the pond to wash himself. He was rescued by a sheer luck.
Ovishek has the same feeling today, whether one can call it sinking or drowning. It’s a chilli winter night and Konika went to bed by nine. Their daughter Chumki went to visit her aunty for a few days as her examinations were over. The house maid Amina made her bed at the floor of the kitchen after finishing her work for the night. She however called him for dinner. Ovishek was not in the mood.
It is almost one in the morning and he continues to enjoy his Bloody Mary. In extreme happiness and sadness, Bloody Mary is his most favourite companion. He loves sinking into his glass these days. His emotions are always overwhelming, whether in joy or sorrow. He thinks of Bornali. She used to call him ‘the magnifying glass’. Everything is magnified in his sight and thought. If it is a simple cause of smile to the others, can be a huge joy for him. A somewhat upsetting incidence for the others can be a cause of deep depression for him. This is how Ovishek is with his overwhelming emotions, unchanged till today.
He started sinking into depressive mood thinking of Bornali. Ovishek is not only a magnifying glass as she thought, but also a convex lens. He could condense even a feeble ray of light into a flame, the flame that ignited the beauty in Bornali. That has been a long time.
No preparation, no foreplay. Just jumping on her. Tondra feels suffocated. She feels aversion, even frigid at times.
To Bornali, it was perhaps an affection. To Ovishek, it was more than love. He could bet on the whole world just for her one kiss in those days. He could even do it now. Yet, the very same Bornali left him one day.
He indulges in reminiscence of their first kiss. She whispered, ‘you know, I don’t normally get hurt easily. However, I get hurt when I see you get hurt. And, you get hurt at almost everything that could even be remotely hurtful. Now a days you getting hurt means me getting hurt at almost everything’. She then laughed out loudly and after a moment of pause, very lightly kissed him on his lip. Although it was the lightest of touch of her lips, that was the first time he realised life could be that charming. Bornali didn’t appear to be blushed, rather looked at the sky indifferently as if she was counting stars. She then started weeping all on a sudden. Ovishek knew, those were the tears of love. He then took turn in reciprocating and kissed her on the lips and wet eyes over and over again. It was all silence for a while until Bornali whispered again, ‘I wonder how such a soft-hearted person like you survives in such a harsh world!’
This is how Ovishek is. When Seema left his friend Jewel and got married to someone else, he was deeply hurt. He cried inconsolably when the small child of his tutor Mr Karim died of pneumonia many years back, as if he was Ovishek’s own son. He gets hurt when a pickpocket or a petty thief is bitten by a mob. He gets hurt at almost everything and Bornali was the only one to notice this softness. He can’t believe that he could live without her.
And yet, he is just doing that. It is perhaps a lifeless living. He has a family, comfortable lifestyle and even a prestigious social life. At the same time, he feels like not having anything at all. Konica and he couldn’t come close enough even after so many years of marriage. Their chemistry just didn’t click. They are inhabitants of two different worlds. Ovishek remains as someone with overwhelming emotions. He is like an omnivorous when it comes to love, affection, socialising and even in bed. The impetuosity of teenage years still rules in his forties. Small things of joy still bring rapt of happiness, on the other hand minor upsetting things cause profound sadness. When Chumki wants to go shopping with her friends in Bashundhora shopping mall, he often forbids her due to safety concern. But feels sad at upsetting her. His office cashier Kamal was suspended twice for stealing cash. Then he felt sad realising Kamal’s difficult days without a job. Ovishek reinstated him after reprimanding.
He loves Konika. But he can’t forget Bornali. Expression of each love is different. He loved Bornali with overwhelming emotions, but loves Konika with majestic calmness.
There is no question about Konika’s love and loyalty. Her expression of love is through loyalty to Ovishek, taking good care of him and Chumki, cooking their favourite dishes over the weekends and buying a flowers on his birthday. That is all about it. His longing for love is not fully satisfied with this. He desires to see her in a beautiful saree waiting for him with flowers in her hair bun and with a romantic smile when he returns from office at the end of an exhausting day. They would have cups of tea together while listening to some romantic songs. He wants wild physical expression of KoniKa’s love. An overwhelming emotional and physical expression from her can help him forget Bornali. He wants to return home every evening only for her attraction, not because he has to. But she doesn’t attract him the way he desires. She doesn’t mind having sex once or twice a week as a routine. But passionately kissing every night, enjoying the beauty of moonlit night together, spending sleepless night listening to romantic music or watching adult movies are not her cup of tea. Konika considers them fuss.
‘Aren’t we getting old? Chumki will get married in a few years.’
‘So, what! Does someone become impotent when his daughter gets married?’
‘Never mind! I don’t feel like. You should rather concentrate to religious rituals. We are getting old after all.’
Ovishek doesn’t blame her. One can’t change him or herself at own will. Konika loves him in her own way. He finds fidelity, dutifulness, affection and dependence in that; but can’t find what he can call amour. He doesn’t have uninhibited attraction for her. Officeworks on a sleepless night, call from an overseas business client, golf and even Bloody Mary attract him more.
‘Look at the moon! So full, so gorgeous! Let’s go for a long drive to Jamuna Bridge. The roads are still almost empty after the Eid vacation. People haven’t returned yet after the holidays.’ – Ovishek said.
‘I am too tired. Get to sleep soon. I went shopping with Reshma, now the legs are aching’ – replied Konika.
‘So, what! we are not going for a walk. Just take a couple of Paracetamol. It has been a long time we haven’t gone for a long drive’.
‘Forget your romanticism. I don’t feel like. I don’t want to’.
Ovishek gives up. Gets is bottle and glass. Konika goes to bed soon after.
Ovishek starts sinking into his Bloody Mary, drowns into a bottom of sadness.
******
‘Will you be late again tonight?’
‘Yah! I have a conference to attend next week. Preparing a paper to present. Have to finish it in the next few days. You please go and sleep.’
Tondra left for the bedroom with a long sigh. Once again, she has to sleep alone. Possibly she will toss and turn for a long while, at some stage she may get out of bed to take a Valium. Moin will come long after midnight. He will come silently to sleep beside her. Loud snoring will follow within minutes. That noise of snoring sometimes wakes Tondra up. She can’t then sleep until morning. It doesn’t happen like this all the time though. Usually, he is very disciplined unless there is semester pressure at the university, pressure to take exams in a short notice or if there is a departmental conference. He has his dinner after getting fresh when he comes home. Then watches TV for a while, sometimes inquires about Jennifer and Jesmine’s study. Then going to bed after watching the 9 O’clock news. That is his routine. Once in a while goes for an expedition into Tondra’s fertile curvature. Just like a routine robotic activity. No preparation, no foreplay. Just jumping on her. Tondra feels suffocated. She feels aversion, even frigid at times.
Fascinating! She figments herself as a dolphin. She doesn’t want this captive human life. O, had she been a dolphin! She just wanted that romantic life.
Tondra had dreams that extended to the horizon. Moin was at the final stage of his PhD at Monash University in Melbourne when they got married. There was an offer from the department to join as a faculty after the completion of his degree. Immigration confirmed. He was handsome like a prince and smart in conversation. After meeting him for an afternoon, she thought this is the man she was looking for who can help her forget Oronno. He had immense knowledge in contemporary politics, social science, international relations and what not! Although an afternoon may not be enough to know a person; surely, he would be an expert in romance too – she thought. She cried inconsolably when Oronno left her and married Mrittika instead. She would forget that grief through Moin.
It didn’t take long to realise how wrong she was. Life in Melbourne felt like living on an isolated island. Life is too mechanical here; everything is too formal. She spends her day at home, lonely while Moin spends his days at the university.
It had been a difficult and lonely time. Moin is like an expressionless robot. He doesn’t want to understand anything beyond taking class, research and tutorials. Throughout the day she looks forward to his return. She plans to have cups of tea together standing on the balcony, then reciting a romantic poem for him. He would gently play with her hairs. They would have dinner together and listen to music or watch TV. They would then indulge in banter. In some nights, they would sleep in each other’s hug, in other nights they would indulge in wildly exploring each other deep into the night.
However, her dream never materialised. Life is so different from what she envisaged. Moin sinks into his books and journals almost every evening after returning from the university. Tondra watches TV, browses in Bangladeshi satellite channels. Then she falls asleep waiting for him. Moin sometime jumps on her whenever he feels the urge. Tondra cooperates even though doesn’t enjoy it to the fullest. Even that frequency has gone down now a days. She doesn’t enjoy that imposed and loveless lovemaking. No preparation, no foreplay. That is conjugal love to Moin. No other way is familiar to him.
However, that doesn’t mean that he is not caring. She has wardrobe full of sarees and jewelleries, thanks to his gifts over the years. He took her to holidays here and there for a few times. Whenever she gets sick, he takes leave and helps her with work at home. He didn’t want her to work even though many of his Bangladeshi colleagues’ wives work. There was a time when Tondra wanted to start a family day care at home as many Bangladeshi women did that, spending time at home and earning money at the same time. She could do that too. It would even be therapeutic for her loneliness and boredom. Moin didn’t consent.
‘I don’t need too much money. I can buy whatever you need. I don’t want my wife change nappies of someone else’s kids. Rather, get ready to change your own kid’s nappy’.
‘Am I a machine? Is that so simple to get ready? You never even prepare me’.
‘What do you mean by preparing? Women are always ready, I guess’.
‘You know nothing about this. You neither know how to give pleasure nor how to receive’.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I guess you consider me a commodity, isn’t it? I feel belittled. You should see a therapist’.
‘Why should I go to a therapist? I don’t have any problem. You may see a therapist if you have a problem. You women are really complicated’.
Tondra gets upset. Remembers the old days. One day immediately after their wedding, she teased Moin in a very romantic mood with an alluring smile:
‘ You know, I feel like a dolphin. I want to make you feel like a dolphin too’.
Although her tempting smile started a storm in his heart, he couldn’t understand the relevance of a dolphin.
‘Dolphin! What do you mean?’
‘Dolphins are the most romantic among all creatures. Always crazy for love and sex. Don’t you know?’
‘How do I know? I am not a zoologist or a Marine Biologist – Moin poured cold water on her excitement.
Both of them went to visit Melbourne Aquarium in the previous weekend. That was the first time she saw a Dolphin. For an unknown reason Tondra got interested in learning about this animal. She started reading about the life cycle, nature and behaviour of dolphins. She soon found out that Dolphins are the most romantic of all animals. They even mate more than once a day. Fascinating! She figments herself as a dolphin. She doesn’t want this captive human life. O, had she been a dolphin! She just wanted that romantic life.
She printed out some literature about dolphin’s nature and behaviour. ‘Learn from the dolphins. I know, you don’t accept anything without reference. So, I printed some. Let’s be dolphins; please!’
Moin reluctantly glances through the papers for a while.
‘You have gone mad. Haven’t you? You are a pervert. You need psychiatric treatment for sure’.
‘And you? You are a frigid, impotent heartless robot. Do you think the right of jumping on your wife’s body is automatic in exchange for providing food, shelter, saree and jewellery? I am not a whore. You should have married your books and journals, not me’.
Quickly reaches out to the washroom. Tondra feels cramps in the lower belly. The first sign of impending period. She reaches out for some tampons.
‘I didn’t know you were a nympho. I got married to a human being, not to a dolphin. You are really sick’.
Tondra stops arguing, there is no point in continuing this with a robot. Tears flow down to her cheek.
Life goes on conforming with a socially defined role. She couldn’t change Moin. Gave up trying to do so. She rather accepted the slow death of the dolphin in her.
Meanwhile Jennifer and Jasmine were born. Sometimes she considers them as war orphans. The difference is that the war orphans are mostly results of rapes and in her children’s case, result of imperative sex, she wouldn’t call them rape though. After all, she has a need of her own. She sometimes feels that Jennifer and Jasmine are like daughters of an unwilling maid fathered by a feudal landlord. She feels being belittled. Doesn’t cherish this life at all.
At the same time, she feels pity for Moin. Despite all romantic inadequacies, she can’t blame him. It is not his fault that he can’t overcome his limitations. People are born with their strengths and weaknesses. No one has control over these. Like the gays and lesbians do not have control over their sexual orientations, some people can’t overcome their love-frigidity. They equate love to duty towards their partners and to obligatory routine sex. They are not to blame. It is nature whom to blame. If nature doesn’t change them, how could they change themselves?
Tondra can’t blame herself either. The creator or nature could have made her differently. Why this mismatch? She will definitely serve a show cause notice on her creator if ever she gets an opportunity to meet him.
Moin is busy in the studyroom preparing the conference paper while Tondra is tossing and turning in the bed. He will come to bed after midnight and soon will start snoring. So many nights had gone by…….
Her eyes are wet again. One comes to this world only once. Should the stranded dolphin in Tondra prepare for a slow death before swimming in the sea? If she could be born once again, would have preferred life of a dolphin in the sea.
She couldn’t sleep at all. Considers going to the kids’ room and sleeping with one of them. Then again thinks their sleep will be interrupted by her tossing and turning. It’s better to watch TV in the living room.
*******
Hearing the sound of the TV, Moin comes out of the studyroom.
‘Haven’t you slept yet?’
‘Can’t sleep!’
‘Feeling unwell?’
‘No. I am okay. Just not being able to sleep. Even if I am not well, does it really matter? You better go back and finish your paper’.
Moin goes back to the studyroom without saying anything further.
Tondra can’t concentrate on the TV screen. She switches off the TV and plays Nazrul songs on CD. One of her favourites, ‘O Lord! In solitude, You play with your creation absently…’
The Lord plays in solitude. His play may be masterly but beyond comprehension to the creatures. In the Melbourne suburb of Clayton, Tondra stays awake with a dolphin-like hunger. Another discontent dolphin inside Ovishek sinks into Bloody Mary eight thousand eight hundred and ninety-five kilometres away in Dhanmondi, Dhaka. They don’t meet. Both of them spent their early life in Dhaka and Madaripur. They never met though. They are now geographically further apart. Won’t they ever meet? Is this world that big not allowing them to meet?
It’s 1 am in Dhaka and 5 in the morning in Melbourne. Both Konika and Moin are fast asleep at the different ends of the world. They too never meet. Ovishek on the other hand, feels intoxicated. Feels extremely nauseated. Bloody Mary revolts inside his stomach. Quickly reaches out to the washroom. Tondra feels cramps in the lower belly. The first sign of impending period. She reaches out for some tampons.
The stranded dolphins yearn ashore. The Lord plays in solitude, with his creatures. Plays absently.
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